The Booshy Horror Show
by Beechwood0708
Summary: Another in the recent tradition of crossovers, the Boosh does Rocky Horror. Featuring lots of slash and almost every pairing imaginable. And lots and lots of blatant silliness.
1. The Beginning of a Very Strange Journey

Welcome to my inner fantasy. I'm not usually one for writing two stories at once, but I needed a break for a bit from the heavy drama, and some bits of this are impossibly silly. Don't worry- there will be plenty more Secret History of Howard Moon- another 3 chapters at least :-) But I did very much want to appease Ms Violence4, who seemed very enthusiastic about the idea.

This is based around a mix of the live Rocky Horror Show and the movie, and in this chapter alone you can expect to see some terrible rhymes (you try rewriting these songs, it's hard. And there are many less verbs than you'd think that rhyme with "Vince"), one of the oddest pairings ever thought up, Bollo in a minidress, a proposition from Bob Fossil and some unfortunately messed up formatting. Hope all is good here.

Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. The Rocky Horror Show belongs to the godlike entity that is Richard O'Brien.

The Booshy Horror Show

A cinema Usherette in a pink dress carrying a tray of choc ices stands in front of red curtains. The Usherette also happens to be a gorilla, and male.

Usherette (singing): _Spider and Rudi were afeared when the bandit appeared_

_But they showed us a brand new sound,_

_And the Black Frost was there in sub-zero underwear,_

_The Egg of Mantumbi was waiting to be found._

_And when Bob Fossil would dance in tiny blue pants_

_There were wide eyes and nausea abound._

_Ballads, strange tales and legends unveiled,_

_But all of them hanging around_

_In the_

_BBC Three late night feature,_

_Comic battles with budget creatures,_

_Odd situations for the Mod and the Spanner_

_And the shaman that comes from another planet_

_In the late night repeat on BBC Three._

_I know Old Gregg got flirty and kept talking dirty_

_Because he thought Howard was trying to be coy,_

_And Donny, Ramsay and more all got filled with amour_

_Not realising Vince was a boy._

_Kodiak Jack met his fall when the yetis called,_

_An experience he seemed to enjoy._

_But if you call out my name when everything seems the same_

_I can recommend something to bring you fresh joy_

_Like the_

_BBC Three late night feature,_

_Comic battles with budget creatures,_

_Odd situations for the Mod and the Spanner_

_And the shaman that comes from another planet_

_In the late night repeat on BBC Three._

_I need to see_

_The late night repeat on BBC Three._

_It calls to me,_

_The late night repeat on BBC Three._

_Dubiously kinky…_

_The late night repeat on BBC Three…_

The Usherette leaves and the curtains open to reveal the outside of a quaint white church. Wedding music is playing, and suddenly the doors open and people rush out. Among them are the newlyweds, Lester Corncrake and his bride Leroy, whose face is hidden by a long veil, and their friends, our heroes Howard Moon and Vince Noir. As the guests congregate around Leroy, Lester sneaks away to talk to Howard.

Lester: Well, I guess we made it, huh.

Howard: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Leroy have been inseparable since you turned up drunk at his boss' funeral last week.

Lester: Yeah, that girl sure can dance.

Howard: You do realise he's not a girl?

Behind them, Leroy throws his bouquet into the crowd, where it is caught by Vince, who is overjoyed, jumping and squealing.

Vince: I got it! I got it!

Lester: Hey, looks like it'll be your turn next!

Howard smiles bashfully as the wedding car pulls up. Lester gets into the driver's seat and Leroy into the passenger side, and they drive away. Vince joins Howard and they walk through the graveyard as the guests leave and there is the smash of a crashing automobile.

Vince: Oh, Howard, wasn't it wonderful? Didn't Leroy look absolutely gorgeous in that dress?

Howard: Now, Vince, we're past this.

Vince: To think, just an hour ago he was just plain old Leroy, now he's heiress to everything Lester Cornflakes has got!

Howard: Yes, Lester's a lucky guy. Everyone knows Leroy gives the most amazing head.

Vince nods vigorously and agrees.

Howard: And Lester's just about to win another fraudulent compensation claim.

Vince: Yeah…

Howard turns to Vince with a look of determination on his face.

Howard: Hey Vince.

Vince: Yeah?

Howard: I've got something to say. I really admire the skilful way you beat all the girls to the bride's bouquet.

Vince: Aww, Howard!

Howard sings, with four Phantoms dressed in ribcage t-shirts with their faces painted like the Boosh-head logo singing the backing vocals.

Howard (singing):_I've been feeling my feelings are the real things, _(Oh Vince)

_I can feel it as something begins, _(Oh Vince)

_Because there's nothing left here to convince. _(Oh Vince)

_  
I've one thing to say and that's_

_Vince, my prince, I love you._

Vince leans forward to kiss him, but Howard breaks away and returns to the church doors, singing.

Howard (singing):_ There were things about you that made me wince, _(Oh Vince)

_But I haven't thought about them since _(Oh Vince)

_  
I realised what I need to evince. _(Oh Vince)

He draws a heart in chalk on the church door, drawing the attention of an irritated looking caretaker.

_  
I've one thing to say and that's_

_Vince, my prince, I love you._

Vince runs towards him, and Howard cataches him and spins him around, drops to one knee on the steps, takes out a small jewellery box and opens it for Vince, who squeals in delight.

Howard (singing): _Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.  
There's three ways that love can grow;  
That's good, bad or mediocre.  
_

Howard takes it out as Vince holds out his hand, but drops it and Vince picks it up, pushes it on his own finger and runs into the church, leaving Howard to fall over outside.

Howard (singing):_Oh V-I-N-C-E I love you so!  
_

Vince (singing): _Oh, if Leroy'd seen this he'd have glowered!_ (Howard)

_My heart feels like it's been devoured,_ (Howard)

_Even thought you won't let it get "soured"._ (Howard)

_I've one thing to say and that's_

_Howard, I'm overpowered by you too._

_Oh Howard…_

Howard (singing): _Oh, Vince._

Vince (singing): _I'm overpowered!_

Howard (singing): _My prince…_

Vince (singling): _By you…_

Howard (singing): _I love you too._

Howard/ Vince (singing): _There's one thing left to do-_

Phantoms (singing): _THAT'S SCREW!_

Howard (singing): _And that's go see the man behind our beginnings, _(Oh Vince)

_When he sold you to me as scaffoldings, _(Oh Vince)

_Made me lure you to me with shiny things. _(Oh Vince)

_Now I've one thing to say and that's_

_Vince, my prince, I love you._

_Oh Vince, my prince…_

Vince (singing): _Howard, I'm overpowered…_

Howard (singing): _Vince, my prince…_

Howard/ Vince (singing): _I love you._

They lean in to a quick but sweet kiss. As this happens we are taken to a dimly lit but well-furnished office, where the narrator, Bob Fossil, sits in a chair waiting for us.

Fossil: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. Then, after you've been to bed with me, I wanna tell you this story.

A crackling sound is heard from a walkie-talkie.

Fossil (to walkie-talkie): What? ... (to us) Okay, I'm not supposed to take you to bed with me. But I am meant to tell you this story, so it's not a total loss. Not to you, anyways.

He gets up and takes a book from the shelf, and opens it to pictures of Vince and Howard. He then takes out his Dictaphone and presses the play button.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Howard Moon and his fiancé Vince Noir, two strange idiots with an unusual amount of luck and a talent for getting into and out of odd situations, left Dalston that late November evening to visit Bryan Ferry; singer, slave trader, Vince's adoptive father and now distant acquaintance to both of them. it's true that there were storm clouds, dark and… _pen-du-lous_ towards which they were driving, and it's also true that the spare tyre they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being idiots decided to carry on anyway.

Fossil presses stop and closes the book.

Fossil: It was a night they were going to remember for a long time.


	2. Over at the Frankenstein Place

This is possibly the most addictive thing I've ever written. I couldn't keep away from it. That said, I don't think this one is as good as the last-the dialogue might be, but I'm not sure the parts of the songs I've rewritten are very good, or maybe there are bits I kept the same I should have changed. Let me know when you've read it, please. Not so many song rewrites in this one, because quite a lot of it really didn't need it, and why fix something that's not broken?

Introducing the band...

* * *

Howard is driving along a forest road in the rain. Vince sits next to him in the passenger seat, reading a fashion magazine.

Vince: Ooh, Howard, look at this one!

He holds the magazine out and Howard briefly glances at it before returning his attention to the road.

Howard: I've told you Vince; no more dresses. You're a boy.

Vince: But I look good in them! They bring out my slender build. And don't you like the way they accentuate my bum?

Howard: That's not the point, Vince. I'm not having you wearing dresses.

Vince sighs and pouts. A moment later, a motorbike zooms past in the other direction. Vince turns in his seat to watch it go.

Vince: Wow, Howard, that's the third motorbike that's passed us. They're really taking their lives in their hands in this weather, ain't they?

Howard: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.

They drive on a little further, until Howard suddenly stops the car.

Howard: Shit.

Vince: What's up?

Howard indicates the dead end sign in front of them.

Howard: We must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I'd better turn round.

Vince: But where did the biker come from… And why are there sequins on that sign?

There is a loud bang and the car jumps. Howard puts his hand out in front of Vince to keep him calm.

Vince: What was that bang?

Howard: We must have a blow out.

He sighs and thumps the steering wheel.

Howard: I knew I should have gotten that spare tyre fixed! Well, you just stay here and keep warm, and I'll go for help.

Vince: How are you expecting to find help?

Howard: I'm a man of action, Vince, I could drag this car back to civilisation myself if the doctor hadn't told me I shouldn't do that any more. I think I can handle going and getting help for a breakdown, don't you?

Vince: But we're in the middle of nowhere.

Howard tries his best to hide his disappointment, before he is struck by an idea.

Howard: Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back? They must have a phone I can use.

He thinks a moment.

Howard: Where's your mobile, anyway?

Vince: Lent it to Leroy. Lester mistook his for the TV remote and chucked it at the telly when he thought the Giants were gonna lose the Superbowl. Where's yours?

Howard: Lent it to Lester.

Howard sighs and undoes his seatbelt. Vince does the same.

Vince: I'm coming with you.

Howard: Come on now, there's no point you catching your death in that skimpy little excuse for an outfit.

Vince: I personally think this is quite modest. And besides which, the owner of that phone might be some visually impaired jazz madame, and I might never see you again.

Howard laughs and they get out of the car. They run down the road, Vince holding his magazine over his head to keep his hair dry, until they reach a large iron gate with a sign saying "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". Howard, man of action that he is, decides to risk it.

Vince (singing): _In the velvet darkness_

_Of the blackest night,_

_Burning bright_

_There's a guiding star,_

_No matter what or who you are._

He catches up to Howard, who puts his arm round him and takes his hand, and they approach the castle together.

Howard/ Vince (singing): _There's a light_

_Over at the Frankenstein place,_

_There's a light_

_Burning in the fireplace,_

_There's a light, light_

_In the darkness_

_Of everybody's life._

Howard (singing): _I can see the flag fly,_

_I can see the rain,_

_Just the same_

_There has got to be_

_Something better here_

_For you and me._

Howard/ Vince (singing): _There's a light_

_Over at the Frankenstein place,_

_There's a light_

_Burning in the fireplace,_

_There's a light, light_

_In the darkness_

_Of everybody's life._

The dive out of the way as a line of motorbikes speed down the driveway towards them and head for the castle. Up in the castle, the solitary figure of Naboo leans sadly out of a window on the top floor, watching them.

Naboo (singing): _The darkness must go_

_Down the river of night's dreaming._

_Flow morphia, slow,_

_Let the sun and light come streaming_

_Into my life!_

_Into my life!_

Down below, Howard and Vince finish their approach to the castle.

Howard/ Vince (singing): _There's a light_

_Over at the Frankenstein place,_

_There's a light_

_Burning in the fireplace,_

_There's a light, light_

_In the darkness_

_Of everybody's life._

* * *

Back in his office, Bob Fossil shows us a map with Howard and Vince's planned route to Bryan Ferry's home and the route they actually took to the castle drawn on.

Fossil: So it seemed that fortune had smiled and thrown cookies down on Howard and Vince, and they had found the help they needed.

He takes out his Dictaphone and presses play.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): Or had they?

Fossil: Had they hell.

* * *

Howard and Vince reach the castle doors, and Howard rings the bell. They wait a moment, and the door is opened. Naboo stands idly in the doorway with an expression of extreme boredom on his face and stares at them.

Naboo: Hello.

Howard: Hi. I'm Howard Moon.

He extends his hand and waits, until it becomes awkwardly apparent that Naboo is not going to shake it.

Howard: And this is my fiancé, Vince Noir. We had a breakdown a few miles back. Do you have a phone we might use?

Naboo continues to stare.

Naboo: You're wet.

This time it is Vince and Howard's turn to stare.

Vince: Yeah… it's raining.

Naboo: Hmmm… I think maybe you should both come in.

He moves aside to let them enter. Excited chatting and strange party music can be heard from another room. A large furry mass with a hint of lace is slumped over a banister.

Vince: Howard, this is weird. What is it?

Howard: Relax, little man. It's probably just some sort of country getaway for the rich and undeserving.

Vince: Oh right.

Naboo stalks between them and silently leads them onwards down the corridor.

Vince: Are you having a party?

Naboo smiles.

Naboo: You've arrived on a special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Vince: Oh… lucky him.

The slumped furry mass gets up, laughing gruffly, revealing itself to be Bollo, Naboo's familiar and the maid, by all accounts a gorilla in a frilly apron.

Bollo: He's lucky, you're lucky, Bollo lucky, we're all lucky!

Bollo slides down the banister, hitting the ornamental statue on the end, which breaks off sending Bollo crashing to the floor. A clock begins to chime. Naboo sidles over to it and opens it, revealing a skeleton in a party hat, which Naboo fingers intimately as he adjusts the hat.

Naboo (singing): _It's astounding,_

_Time is fleeting,_

_Madness takes its toll._

He moves behind the door of the clock and pushes the chime into his nose, making Bollo laugh in the closest way he can to giggling, which is quite an unnerving sound, and making Vince and Howard very nervous.

Naboo (singing): _But listen closely,_

Bollo has snuck up behind Vince and Howard, far too close for comfort.

Bollo (singing): _Not for very much longer._

Naboo (singing): _I've got to keep control._

A sort of madness takes over Naboo as he begins to dance in a strange, energetic and almost inhuman way, hiding behind things and grinning flirtatiously.

Naboo (singing):_ I remember doing the Time Warp,_

_Drinking those moments when_

_The blackness would hit me_

Naboo returns to Bollo and they put their arms together in elbow-sex.

Naboo/ Bollo (singing):_ And the void would be calling_

Howard and Vince flee past them, but Naboo and Bollo, hand-in-hand, give chase and force then through some double doors into a room filled with oddly-dressed shamen.

Shamen (singing):_ Let's do the Time Warp again!_

_Let's to the Time Warp again!_

* * *

In his office, Bob Fossil has a wall chart which he uses to talk us through the simple steps to the Time Warp.

Fossil: It's just… erm, a jump to the left.

* * *

Back in the room of shamen.

Shamen (singing): _And then a step to the right._

* * *

Fossil: Then you put your hands on your hips.

* * *

Shamen (singing): _You bring your knees in tight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_That really drives you insane._

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Vince (whispering): Have you seen what they're wearing?

With a smile on his face, Vince faints into Howard's arms.

Bollo, poledancing and once again far too close to Howard for comfort, swings himself round, groping the walls and knocking pictures down.

Bollo (singing): _It's so dreamy!_

_Oh fantasy free me_

_So you can't see me,_

_No, not at all._

_In another dimension,_

_With voyeuristic intention,_

_Well-secluded_

_I see all._

Naboo (siging): _With a bit of a mind-flip,_

Bollo begins to fondle a stuffed jackalope in a very inappropriate manner.

Bollo (singing): _You're into the time slip!_

Naboo (singing): _And nothing will ever be the same._

Bollo rounds in on Howard and Vince, scaring them both.

Bollo (singing): _You're spaced out on sensation_

Naboo comes at them from the other side, leaving them with nowhere to run.

Naboo (singing): _Like you're under sedation!_

Vince faints on Howard again. Laughing, Naboo and Bollo dance away to where Tony Harrison is perched on top of a jukebox, wearing a glittery top hat and bow tie.

Naboo/ Bollo/ Tony/ Shamen (singing): _Let's do the Time Warp again!_

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Tony (singing): _Well I were walking down the street,_

_Just a-poppin' some pills,_

_When a snake of a bloke starts giving me ills._

_He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise,_

_He had half a brownie left and a stoned look in his eyes._

_He stared at me and I felt a change,_

_And time meant nothing, never would again._

Howard whispers to Vince, who is leaning on him staring at the shamen and their outfits.

Howard: How do you suppose he can _walk_ down a street?

Vince: I know, he'd get noticed.

Shamen (singing): _Let's do the Time Warp again!_

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_

* * *

In his office, Bob Fossil is now grinning and getting into the moves.

Fossil: It's just a jump to the left!

* * *

Shamen (singing): _And then a step to the right._

* * *

Fossil: With your hands on your hips!

* * *

Shamen (singing): _You bring your knees in tight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_That really drives you insane!_

Singing along with them, Naboo and Bollo are elbow-sexing through the room.

Shamen (singing):_ Let's do the Time Warp again!  
Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Somehow, Tony Harrison manages to leap from the jukebox and scuttles around on the floor in some bizarre mockery of a tap dance. Naboo and Bollo look on, very bored, as Tony attempts to dance up some steps but is unable to make it, an loses his hat.

* * *

In is office, Bob Fossil has now stripped to a pair of tiny blue women's pants and is dancing on his desk.

Fossil: It's just a jump to the left! Come on everybody!

* * *

Shamen (singing): _And then a step to the right._

* * *

Fossil: With your hands on your hips! Hey, you dancing? Don't make me come down there!

* * *

Shamen (singing): _You bring your knees in tight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_That really drives you insane!_

Vince and Howard inch towards the door while the shamen aren't looking. Vince is still fixated by their costumes.

Shamen (singing):_ Let's do the Time Warp again!  
Let's do the Time Warp again!_

All the shamen collapse on the floor and lie there in a drug-induced simultaneous comedown. Vince nudges Howard.

Vince: Howard, say something.

Howard: Erm… anyone know how to Charleston?

Vince groans and rolls his eyes. The shamen are getting up, curious yet wicked smiles on their faces.

Vince: Howard, please, let's get out of here.

Howard: Don't worry Vince. I can handle this.

Vince: But you're embarrassing me!

Howard: It's a party, Vince. Try and have a good time.

Vince: Well I want to leave.

Howard: We can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Vince: Howard, I'm cold, I'm wet, my makeup's run and you're not helping!

Howard: Vince, there's nothing to worry about. And we'll talk about you wearing makeup when we get back to the car, little man.

The shamen have all gotten up and are staring at the lift behind them. The lift clatters down, and Vince lets out a gasp as he sees the face of Dennis, the Head Shaman.

Dennis (singing): _How do you do? I_

_See you've met my_

_Tiny minion.__  
__He's just a little brought down_

_Because when you knocked  
He thought you were delivering ketamine._

Dennis comes out if the lift, holding his cape around him, and strides through the crowd of shamen. Howard and Vince nervously follow after him.

Dennis (singing): _Don't get strung out by the way I look,  
Don't judge a book by its cover.  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover._

He casts off his glittering dark green cape to reveal a plumed corset and glitzy underwear, gem-studded suspenders and emerald fishnets and a turquoise necklace hanging with shamanic symbols. Howard is shocked but Vince stares at him awestruck.

Dennis (singing): _I'm just a Sex-Crazed Shaman_

_From a secret dimension._

He walks back through the crowd up to Vince and Howard.

Dennis (singing): _So let me show you around, maybe play you a sound,_

_You look like you both have some sweet charm,_

Reaching them, he puts an arm around each of them and pushes them right into the middle of the crowd of shamen.

Dennis (singing): _Or if you start getting hazy and you want to go crazy,_

_I can slip to something to make you stay calm._

Dennis wanders off to table full of alcohol, and drops a few pills into a drink. Howard and Vince follow him, but Dennis ignores them in favour of shaking hands with a few of the assembled shamen.

Howard: I'm glad we caught you at home, could we use your phone?  
We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Vince: Yeah.

Howard: We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car.  
We don't want to be any worry.

Dennis casually throws his drink in Howard's face.

Dennis (singing): _So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?  
Well babies, don't you panic.  
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright-  
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.  
_

_I'm just a Sex-Crazed Shaman_

_From a secret dimension._

Dennis approaches an ancient-looking throne decorated in a Celtic style, covered in symbols and various talismans and objects with mystical properties. He lowers himself onto it, twisting his legs over the arms, as Naboo and Bollo come and stand around him, Bollo carrying Tony Harrison with him and depositing him on one of Dennis' legs.

Dennis: So why don't you stay for the night?

Naboo: Night!

Dennis: Or maybe a bite?

Tony: Bite!

Dennis begins to absent-mindedly play with Naboo's hair.

Dennis: I could show you my favourite obsession.

I've been making a man, with a lean frame and a gorgeous can,

And he's good for relieving my tension.

(singing) _I'm just a Sex-Crazed Shaman_

Tony Harrison checks Dennis out as he pushes himself up, leaving Tony on the arm of the throne.

Dennis (singing): _From a secret dimension._

_Hit it hit it!_

_I'm just a Sex-Crazed Shaman_

Naboo/ Bollo/ Tony (singing): _Sex-Crazed Shaman!_

Dennis (singing): _From a secret dimension._

Dennis sashays into the lift and turns back to his crowd.

Dennis: So, come up to my lair

And see what's waiting there.

I see you shiver with antici…

Shamen: Say it! Say it!

He leaves them shouting for a while, until they all quiet. He waits.

Dennis: …pation.

(singing) _But maybe the rain_

(spoken) Is really to blame,

So I'll remove the cause.

He shuts the door.

Dennis: But not the symptom.

The lift rises.


	3. Hot Patootie, I Can Make You a Shaman

My apologies if there are mistakes here- I'm in a bit of a rush, and I really wanted to post it, so it hasn't been proof-read. Very very silly, and more bizarre pairings, a bried cameo, I've-gone-wrongness, and smexy.

Hopeth thou liketh.

* * *

Chatting excitedly, the shaman guests leave the room. Bollo roughly starts drying Howard's hair with a dirty towel, while Naboo attempts to do the same to Vince with a rag.

Vince: Hey, watch it, will ya. My hair's had a bad experience; it needs some tender loving.

He tales the rag from Naboo.

Vince: And is that blood on there?

Naboo doesn't answer, and instead takes Vince's sodden silver jacket from his shoulders as Bollo takes Howard's ugly brown one.

Howard: Thank you very much.

Naboo reaches around Vince from behind and fingers at his fly button. Vince shrieks and tries to slap his hands away.

Vince: Get off! What you doing? Howard!

Howard is calmly standing next to him while Bollo pulls of his jazzy shirt and polo neck.

Howard: It's alright, Vince. We'll play along for now and then pull out the aces when the time is right.

Howard makes no reaction as Bollo undoes his belt and pulls down his trousers.

Vince: When has the time been any more right that this?

Vince struggles and protests as Naboo does his best to wrestle him out of his clothes.

Tony: Oh, slowly, slowly; I could get off on this.

Vince: Too much information, freak ass.

Naboo manages to pull Vince's pink t-shirt from his body, and as Vince crosses his arms to cover his chest, Naboo removes his white jeans. Howard stares at him, gobsmacked, as Vince tries in vain to cover up the fact that he is wearing a white bra, white ladies' knickers and a thin white underskirt.

Howard: You told me you'd stopped wearing those.

Vince: I did, it's just-

Howard: I honestly thought we'd gotten past the whole transvestism thing, but no- it just turns out that you've been lying to me all this time!

Vince: No, I stopped wearing them honestly; sometimes I just need to try them on once in a while. They're so damn comfortable!

Howard: And that just happens to be the day you get stripped in front of a party full of shamen.

Vince: Well it's not exactly a situation you'd expect to happen!

Howard: How did you even manage to get that underskirt under your jeans?

Vince (getting quite emotional): I don't know…

Bollo interrupts them by pushing them towards the lift.

Bollo: Come on. Head Shaman don't like to be kept waiting.

Howard attempts to recover Vince's jeans from the floor, but Bollo growls.

Bollo: Shift it!

He pushes them both into the lift. Naboo follows shortly after and puts Tony Harrison on a shelf. He pours out a glass of some odd-looking alcohol, then drains the bottle and drops it. He joins the rest of them in the lift, and the lift rises.

Vince: So erm… Dennis… is he someone's civil partner?

Tony Harrison laughs uncontrollably and Naboo looks at him like he's an idiot.

Naboo: The Head Shaman's not married. He tried it once, but it was a disaster. Blood everywhere.

The lift stops in Dennis' shamanic lair, which is like a cross between the interior of a hut that might belong to a traditional Native American mystic, a Celtic temple and a torture chamber. Naboo moves aside to let Vince and Howard get out first, followed by the others, with Bollo carrying Tony. The shamen are standing on raised platforms around the room, and Dennis is standing directly in front of them, his outfit covered by a bloody sacrificial robe.

Vince (whispering): I don't much like that.

Howard: Hush up now.

Naboo approaches Dennis and hands him the glass of alcohol and leaves him, going to an altar. Dennis leers wolfishly.

Dennis: Bollo, Tony, go and assist Naboo. I will entertain…

He raises an eyebrow and extends his hand. Howard takes it a little too enthusiastically.

Howard: Howard Moon, jazz maverick, and this is my fiancé, Vince Noir, electro-

Vince: Shut up.

Dennis takes Vince's hand and kisses him all the way up to his shoulder. He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, making Vince giggle.

Dennis: Lovely… and what charming underclothes you both have.

Howard glares at Dennis, furious at the predatory looks he has been giving Vince, but only once Dennis' back is turned to receive two Celtic robes from Naboo.

Dennis: But here, put these on. They should help you feel less vulnerable.

Howard accepts them both, and Vince is about to mention the fact that he is actually feeling quite comfortable before Howard shuts him up with a swift smack on the bum. The put on the robes, Howard gratefully and Vince begrudgingly.

Dennis: It is not often that we receive guests here, let alone offer them hospitality.

Howard: Hospitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, god damn it, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

Vince: Howard, shut your fat pie hole.

Howard: Don't you dare talk to me like that, little man, unless you want-

He stops, realising that Dennis is sizing him up. Dennis steps towards him and strokes the visible part of his chest.

Dennis: How forceful you are, Howard. Such a specimen of manhood. So dominant.

Howard leans back from Dennis' objectifying touch. Dennis turns to Vince.

Dennis: You must get very aroused by him.

Vince: All the time except now.

Dennis laughs and stands between them, looping one arm around Vince's waist and fondling Howard's shoulder with the other.

Dennis: Do you have any tattoos?

Howard: Absolutely not.

Dennis: Shame.

He turns to Vince, ignoring Howard completely and tickling Vince's waist.

Dennis: How about you?

Vince: Just this one on my-

Howard runs around Dennis to grab Vince, and picks him up and carries him away from Dennis' lustful advances.

Howard: No he doesn't.

Naboo creeps up behind Dennis.

Naboo: It's all ready.

Dennis downs his drink and gives the glass to Naboo, who throws it aside. Dennis strides up to the altar.

Dennis: Tonight. Tonight, you who lurk in the shadows and look on in wonder, you will see a new dawn in perfection, and paradise is to be mine. To be mine!

Tony (shouting): "You who are hideous!"

Dennis: You who are hideous, you are freaks, you who cause lepers to run away screaming, you are about to see everything the living form can become. Everything that we as beings randomly assembled by genetics can never be, I have created. Yes, I have discovered the secret. I have that knowledge. I hold the secret to life itself!

The shamen applaud, and Vince, caught in the atmosphere, applauds with them until Howard grabs his wrists and forces his hands down. Dennis walks over to the altar where Naboo, Bollo and Tony are waiting.

Dennis: You see, you are fortunate, for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born!

The shamen applaud again, and Howard is holding a scowling Vince's arms behind his back. Bollo removes the shroud from the altar to reveal a corpse covered in talismans with symbols drawn on the skin. The scent of mysterious oils fills the room, joined by the smells of various incenses as Naboo lights them. Bollo and Naboo, carrying Tony, move aside as Dennis leans over the corpse and begins whispering strange words, waving incense and rubbing the corpse with odd substances.

Vince: Howard…

Howard has released his grip on Vince's arms and now holds him in a protective cuddle.

Howard: It's alright, Vince.

Dennis takes an ornate knife and slices his hand, letting the blood stream into a large pot of something. He takes a handful of the rust-coloured goo and smears it all over the corpse until it is covered, chanting all the time. The shamen stare in wonder, and the corpse gives a twitch. The corpse twitches some more, and slowly gets up. Naboo leans over and peels the layer of gelatinised stuff off its face, revealing the face of the creature.

Dennis (awed): Saboo!

Saboo looks around, gasping his first breaths since reanimation, and with surprising agility leaps from the altar to hang from one of the shamanic objects hanging from the ceiling.

Saboo (singing): _The Crunch is calling and it's looking at me,_

_And I've got a feeling that it's gonna get a little more near._

_Oh, woe is me; my life is a misery,_

_And oh, can't you see_

_That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer._

He swings down to the floor, where Bollo catches up to him and starts to peel more of the gel off his body.

Saboo (singing): _I woke up this morning with needles stuck in my chest,_

Shamen (singing): _That ain't no crime…_

Saboo (singing): _Remembering voodoo ladies talking 'bout how to dispose of me best._

Shamen (singing): _That ain't no crime…_

Saboo (singing): _My high is low; I'm dressed up with no place to go,_

_And all I know_

_Is that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer._

Dennis grabs Saboo and peels the last of the gel off his torso, revealing the tiny tight-fitting tunic underneath. Vince visibly melts in Howard's arms. Saboo escapes from Dennis and throws himself over the altar, posing his attractive body into tantalising positions.

Saboo (singing): _I keep thinking that I need peace of mind._

Shamen (singing): _That ain't no crime…_

Saboo (singing): _And I want to tell me that I'm doing just fine._

Shamen (singing): _That ain't no crime…_

Saboo (singing): _I'm the product of another time,_

_And feeling down-_

_Well, that's no crime._

Saboo gets up from the altar and moves gracefully around the room, acquainting himself with the various shamen as Dennis follows him.

Shamen (singing): _Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime._

Saboo (singing): _Oh no no no!_

Shamen (singing): _Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime._

Saboo (singing): _Oh no no no!_

Dennis attempts to climb onto Naboo's shoulders, and Naboo manages to hold him up for about half a second before collapsing under his weight.

Shamen (singing): _Sha-la-la-la that ain't no_

_Crime!_

Saboo runs from Dennis into the crowd of shamen. They reach out to touch him, and a few who are wearing dark glasses take them off to see him better.

Saboo (singing): _The Crunch is calling and it's looking at me,_

Shamen (singing): _That ain't no crime…_

Saboo (singing):_ And I've got a feeling that it's gonna get a little more near._

Shamen (singing): _That ain't no crime…_

Saboo (singing):_ Oh, woe is me; my life is a misery,_

_And oh, can't you see_

_That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer._

Shamen (singing): _Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime._

Saboo (singing): _Oh no no no!_

Dennis gives chase through the crowd and Saboo runs away around the room. Naboo, Bollo and Tony, singing along with the shamen, are doing some sort of bizarre dance, which in Tony's case means flopping about on the floor waving his tentacles in strange ways.

Shamen (singing): _Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime._

Saboo (singing): _Oh no no no!_

Dennis falls down some stairs as Saboo finally stops running.

Shamen (singing): _Sha-la-la-la that ain't no_

_Crime!_

_Sha-la-la!_

Dennis: Saboo, this is no way to behave on your first day of existence.

Saboo: Well nobody's perfect. Though you did do a pretty good job on the legs.

Dennis (leering): You are the result of many hours of toil. And now, my beautiful creature, you are ready for the ultimate test.

Saboo: Oh dear.

Dennis: But first, meet the family. Bollo, Saboo.

Bollo shakes Saboo's hand, perhaps testing how easy it might be to rip his arm off.

Bollo: Welcome to hell on earth.

Saboo: Erm, thanks.

Dennis: And this is Tony Harrison, a unique thinker.

Tony: Alright!

Tony attempts to offer a tentacle. Saboo does not take it, partially because of how short it is and partially because he just doesn't want to touch it.

Dennis: And this is Naboo.

Naboo regards Saboo warily and doesn't say anything. Sensing his mistrust, Saboo responds with his own. Dennis pats Saboo on the shoulder and smiles at his minions.

Dennis: So, what do you think?

Naboo (with suppressed but evident mockery): He's a credit to your genius, master.

Bollo (almost laughing, but hiding it well): Triumph of your will.

Tony (sincerely): He's alright.

Dennis glares at him.

Dennis: "Alright"?

He pounds the altar.

Dennis: _"Alright"?_ I think we can do better than that.

He takes Saboo by the hand and drags him over to Howard and Vince.

Dennis: Well, Howard and Vince, what do you think?

Vince: Well… I don't usually like men who are nearly as pretty as I am.

Dennis stares daggers at him.

Dennis: I didn't make him for you, dear.

He pulls Saboo away again.

Dennis: He carries the Mug Ruith seal of approval.

(singing) _A simple man working as an accountant in Kent_

_Will sit wondering where all his excitement went._

_So he widens his mind with whatever he can find,_

_Small talismans and charms, and silver coins crossing his palms._

Dennis gropes at Saboo, who finds his touch arousing yet a little frightening.

Dennis (singing): _He'll strive for power and immortality,_

_And with ritual, and just a little pornography,_

Dennis produces a small comic from somewhere in his robe and opens it to Saboo, who seems quite intrigued by what he sees inside. Dennis plucks it away from him teasingly.

Dennis (singing): _He'll come right, he'll be free._

_He'll be a magic man, oh honey,_

_But a tragic man._

Dennis pulls Saboo over to the altar and the tables near it, showing him various shamanic objects, the wide majority unrecognisable and many of them covered in gore.

Dennis (singing): _He'll call up the dead, sort out the living, and those in between,_

_He'll let blood, and burn the wicker man with victims within._

_Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan:_

_In just seven days,_

Dennis/ Shamen (singing): _I can make you a shaman._

Dennis (singing): _He'll make sacrifices, invoke spirits and take a lot of drugs,_

Dennis lights a joint and puts it in Saboo's mouth, still holding it. Saboo takes a drag, and Dennis quickly removes the joint and takes a drag on it himself.

Dennis (singing): _Spend his days attaining perfection and his nights making love._

He strokes Saboo's shoulders and moves down to his hips and groin.

Dennis (singing): _But why he bothers, I just don't understand_

_When in just seven days, oh baby, I can make you a shaman._

Dennis, holding Saboo, leans on a large coffin decorated with lots of metal and ornamental locks. It clicks open, and the mutant body of the man formerly known as Joey Moose.

Tony: Joey, you slag!

Joey winks at Tony.

Joey (singing): _Whatever happened to Saturday night  
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?  
It don't seem the same since cosmic light  
Came into my life, I thought I was divine...  
_

He regards Saboo.

Joey (singing): _I used to go for a ride with a thing who'd go,_

_And listen to the music on the radio._

_A saxophone was blowin' on a rock & roll show.  
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.  
_

Joey picks up Tony and swings him around the room in his mismatched arms.

Joey (singing):_ Hot Patootie, bless my soul!_

_I really love that rock and roll!_

Joey produces a saxophone from his concealed front pouch and, balancing Tony on his shoulder, plays a solo as the shamen dance.

Joey (singing):_ My head used to spin and I felt compelled,_

_And my hands kinda fumbled with the tendrils I held._

_I'd taste his hot pink head-lumps and that's when I'd melt,_

_He'd whisper in my ear tonight he really was mine._

Joey and Tony open their mouths and lean closer, but before any contact occurs, Joey begins to sing again.

Joey (singing): _Get back in front, moisten up my scales,_

_Barry White sings a song that never fails,_

_With my arms around my alien and I feel his tentacales,_

_It felt pretty good, oh, you really had a good time._

Joey removes Tony from his shoulder and swings him around again. The shamen pair off and dance wildly. Joey falls to the floor and practically smothers Tony. Howard holds Vince protectively, completely oblivious to the fact that Vince is quite obviously enjoying himself very much. Bollo and Naboo step into Joey's coffin and dance in it, while Saboo dances a little awkwardly, trying to get into the swing of it. Dennis glares at him.

Joey (singing):_ Hot Patootie, bless my soul!_

_I really love that rock and roll!_

_Hot Patootie, bless my soul!_

_I really love that rock and roll!_

_Hot Patootie, bless my soul!_

_I really love that rock and roll!_

_Hot Patootie, bless my soul!_

_I really love that rock and roll!_

Joey kisses Tony, then dumps him on the altar, suddenly becoming all teeth and claws, and runs at the group of dancing shaman, scaring them all witless, and they run away, though all are still singing the chorus to the song. Dennis drags Saboo to the lift and shuts him inside, before hauling Bollo and Naboo out of the coffin, causing Naboo to stumble and fall forward, and Bollo rushes to catch him. Dennis takes his large knife from the altar, rousing a cry from Tony, and advances on Joey, smiling creepily, hands behind his back. Joey bolts, shrieking, and Dennis gives chase. Tony screams curses and obscene promises as Dennis chases Joey around the room, eventually backing him into a corner, and slices his throat straight through. Howard and Vince stare, shocked, and Tony is practically distraught. Naboo and Bollo and the shamen stand still, watching, seemingly unaffected.

Dennis: One from the vaults.

The shamen laugh, and Bollo emotionlessly removes Dennis' bloody robe. He crosses to Saboo and lets him out of the lift.

Saboo: How can you stand to keep him around? He's so ugly.

Dennis: He had a certain unusual charm… but no _magic_.

Saboo smiles and runs his tongue along his teeth. Dennis evidently finds this very arousing.

Dennis (singing): _But a bloodstain, and some severed birds' necks,_

_Some bonfires and some hot sex_

_Makes me wanna_

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh…

_Makes me wanna take Mug Ruith by the hand._

_In just seven days, I can make you a shaman!_

He walks away from Saboo through the crowd.

Dennis (singing): _I don't want no insolence,_

_Just cataclysmic decadence._

He eyes him up suggestively.

Vince (singing): _I'm a magic fan!_

Dennis glares at him, and Howard looks down to him, quietly seething, debating whether or not to smack him again.

Dennis (singing): _In just seven days, I can make you a shaman._

He returns to Saboo, and leads him by the hand through the crowd.

Dennis (singing): _Dig it if you can._

_In just seven days, I can make you a shaman._

Wedding music is played and the shamen throw confetti over Dennis and Saboo, chanting their names, and Bollo and Naboo part some large curtains, revealing a sordid bedroom. Arms linked, Dennis leads Saboo through, shoving him roughly down onto the bed as Bollo and Naboo let the curtains fall back together.


	4. Learn the Score, Vince Noir

Length is a word thrown around all too often these days, or at least it is on the sites I frequent. But this is an example of length we can all enjoy. I've also noticed an excess of Bs in this chapter- it had Bad rhymes, Bestiality, BDSM, Bob Fossil, Borderline dub-con, Bryan Ferry, and healthy amounts of Bottom-squeezing. I hope you enjoy it. I certainly did.

* * *

Bob Fossil sits in his office.

Fossil: There are some people that say that life is an illusion, and that reality is just a figment of our imaginations. If this is true, then it wouldn't really matter if you went to bed with me or not because you, me and the bed aren't really there and nothing's going on, so you might as well give it a try. It's just down the street from here, or if you prefer there's a nice hotel not far away-

A sound is heard from the walkie-talkie. Fossil picks it up, holds it to his ear and listens. Then he turns back to us.

Fossil: Life is not an illusion. That also has the extra disadvantage of meaning that Vince and Howard definitely weren't safe, especially when the other guests left, their host disappeared to make big perverted bouncy-bouncy with the guy that used to be dead, and they got shown into separate rooms.

* * *

In the castle, Vince gets shoved into a soft pink room. He removes his robe, noticing the camera positioned over the bed and makes a sexy pose for it, before he gets into bed and settles down for the night. The room gets darker as a while passes, and then a knock is heard on the door. 

Vince: Who is it?

The door opens and Howard appears in silhouette.

Howard: Shh, it's only me, Vince.

Vince (giggling): Oh, Howard, come in.

He moves the covers aside and Howard, still silhouetted against the bed curtains joins him in bed, immediately getting on top of him and kissing him.

Vince: Oh, Howard!

He giggles in a very obviously aroused way. Their silhouetted figures move in the bed, inviting us to wonder whether they are still just kissing.

Vince: Oh, god, Howard, yes! But what if-

Howard: Don't worry, Vince. Everything's going to be okay.

Vince: Oh god, oh, Howard…

Vince grabs Howard's hair as they make love, only to squeal as it comes off in his hand. Howard lifts his head up, revealing that he is actually Dennis.

Vince: You!

Dennis: I'm afraid so, Vincey. But isn't it nice?

He gets down to pick up where he left off, but Vince pushes him and pounds him away until Vince is in a sitting position and Dennis is knelt on his legs.

Vince: You bastard! What have you done with Howard?

Dennis laughs, mockingly.

Dennis: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Vince: You tricked me! I wouldn't have- I couldn't-

Dennis: I know. But it wasn't all bad, was it? I think you found it quite pleasurable. Just like you used to. Didn't you, Vince? You've missed this. You've missed every little movement feeling so soft, so sensual…

He leans back over Vince, pushing him back into a lying position, and kisses Vince's cheeks before moving down to his neck and chest.

Vince: No- stop! I mean- help! Howard!

Dennis desists kissing Vince's navel and puts a finger to his lips.

Dennis: Shh! Howard will be asleep by now. And would you really want him to see you…

He grabs Vince's ankles and pulls them up, so Vince is lying on his back with his legs in the air.

Dennis: … like this!

Vince sits up and pounds Dennis again.

Vince: Like what? This is your fault! I've been saving myself ever since Howard took me to that church and made me do that born again ceremony!

Dennis kisses Vince.

Dennis: Well, I'm sure you're not spent yet.

He leans in to kiss Vince, but Vince holds him back.

Vince: Promise you won't tell Howard?

Dennis: Cross my heart and hope to die.

He pushes Vince back down, making him squeal and kick his legs up in the air. Up in Dennis' lair, Naboo and Bollo are watching them on a screen. Bollo, without interest, pretends to push a mop around, Naboo just stands there. He glances over to Saboo, who is sleeping, chained to the large bed through the curtains. He smiles conspiratorially at Bollo, who smiles wickedly back. Slowly, he approaches the sleeping Saboo, takes a carved candelabrum from beside the bed and roughly prods Saboo with it. When Saboo wakes, alarmed, Naboo shoves the lit candles into his face. Saboo tries to turn away, but Naboo runs around the other side to torment him further. Unsure how far Naboo will take this, Saboo gets up and tries to run, breaking free from his chains and jumping down the lift shaft. Naboo chases him, and as he reaches the lift shaft, he holds the candelabrum out to Bollo, and the two of them pelt him with candles, laughing. When Saboo has gone, Naboo and Bollo elbow sex, and then Naboo leaps at Bollo, kissing and sucking at his chest. Meanwhile, Howard is sleeping soundly in his room, until he is awoken by the slam of the door and a silhouetted figure jumping into bed with him.

Vince: Howard! Howard! It's no good here! I want to leave!

Howard reaches up and pulls him down onto him into a cuddle.

Howard: Don't you worry, Vincey. We'll be away from here in the morning.

Vince: Oh, Howard, you're so strong and protective…

Howard laughs, rubbing his hands along Vince's body, coming up to his head, where he is distressed to find that Vince's hair has come off. Vince lifts his head, once again revealing himself to actually be Dennis.

Howard: You!

Dennis: I'm afraid so, Howard. But isn't it nice?

Dennis leans down on Howard again, but Howard pushes him away, a little more roughly than Vince did earlier.

Howard: Why you! What have you done with Vince?

Dennis: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Howard: You tricked me- I wouldn't have. I've never- never… never…

He looks away, ashamed.

Dennis: Oh yes, I know. But it wasn't all bad, was it? Not even half bad.

He leans down, pushing Howard into a lying position and kissing his face, neck and chest, exactly as he did with Vince.

Dennis: I think you really quite enjoyed it. So soft, so sensual…

Dennis moves down to Howard's navel.

Howard (gasping): No! Stop, stop! Oh, Vince… (Suddenly shrieking.) Vince!

Dennis stops immediately and shushes him.

Dennis: Shh! Vince is probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you…

He grabs Howard's ankles and pulls them up as he did with Vince, so that Howard is on his back with his legs in the air.

Dennis: … like this?

Howard shoves him away.

Howard: Like this? Like how? This is your fault! You're to blame! I thought it was the real thing!

He holds a finger threateningly in Dennis' face, only to pull it back when Dennis sexily tries to bite it.

Dennis: Oh, come on Howard, admit it. You liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.

He leans his face to Howard's.

Dennis (seductively): Howard… you've wasted so much time already.

He holds Howard around the waist and trails kisses down his neck and chest.

Dennis: And Vince needn't know. I won't tell him.

He moves his kisses down lower, down to Howard's navel.

Howard: You promise you won't tell Vince?

Dennis moves his kisses right down to Howard's cock.

Dennis: On my mother's grave.

Suddenly, a bizarre alarm sounds, and Naboo's voice interrupts the scene.

Naboo: Oi, Dennis. Saboo's broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate's loose and somewhere- Bollo, get off!- and somewhere in the castle grounds. Bollo's just- _oooohhh!!!_- Bollo's just released the dogs.

Dennis groans.

Dennis: Alright, I'm coming!

He looks back down at Howard, before bearing down on his cock once more. As this is happening, Vince has run from his room and is pelting through various rooms of the castle.

Vince: What's happening here? Where's Howard? Where's anybody?

He stumbles into the lift to Dennis' lair, on the verge of tears.

Vince: Oh, Howard, darling, how could I have done this to you? After you went on about it so much.

The lift rises and he enters the lair.

Vince: If only we hadn't gone to see Bryan Ferry! If only the car hadn't broken down! If only we were amongst friends! Or sane persons!

* * *

Fossil is in his office, with the dictionary open. 

Fossil: "If" and "only"- two small words, that I can spell- words that kept repeating themselves on Vince's thoughts. But it was too late to go back now. Incidentally, that isn't a situation that applies to us. I'm not allowed to interrupt the story to take you home, but it'll be pretty late when I'm done, but if you're up for it… give me your number, okay.

* * *

In Dennis' lair, Saboo enters behind Vince. They spin to face each other, both skittering nervously. 

Saboo: Oh. It's you. Look, I'm trying to hide from my creator and… the others. They scare me. I feel that all is not well here. I have been thinking a lot about… Joey. I have a feeling of foreboding.

Vince: It's all like some terrible dream.

Saboo: Is it true you don't like men who are almost as pretty as you are?

Vince: Well…

Saboo: Have you got any lip gloss?

Vince passes him some, and Saboo applies it, looking at his reflection in a strange screen, which is switched off.

Vince: I'm engaged to Howard, just like Leroy was to Lester Cornflakes. But Dennis overwhelmed me with an ecstasy I thought I'd forgotten. Hot, burning kisses… and I could see Howard's face in front of me and my mind screamed "No!"- but my lips were hungry, and my body was hungry, too hungry. I wanted to be loved, and loved completely, like I was before. Like Howard won't, not till… Oh, Howard, how could I?

Saboo: This room is like a womb to me.

Vince: Yeah, there you go, you see- it's instinctive. You come here for one thing- security. Oh, where's Howard? Howard, what have they done to you?

He goes to the screen and pulls a switch on it. It slowly comes into focus, to reveal Howard and Dennis banging like bunnies in heat.

Saboo: You can't trust anyone.

Vince: Howard… how could you? You… hypocrite!

He punches the screen, doing his best to mask how much this hurts.

* * *

Fossil is now looking at a detailed shot-by-shot breakdown of Howard's encounter with Dennis. He sits, staring, for several minutes before he notices us and finally speaks. 

Fossil: Oh, yeah. Um, basically, when you've humped someone and you feel really bad about it, because apparently that happens. I've never felt it myself; maybe it was bad sex. I'm easily pleased. So, y'know, don't be scared or nothing. But when you do that, you'd think that you'd be okay if someone else humped somebody who wasn't you, but you won't. Don't I know you won't. And that's why I'm not married any more.

* * *

Back in the lair, Vince is staring at the many cuts and dog bites on Saboo's body. 

Vince: I'm sorry. I didn't notice you were hurt. Did they do this to you?

Saboo nods.

Vince: Here, let me get it for you.

He rips a strip of material from the bottom of his underskirt and wraps it around Saboo's arm, continuing to rip until there is very little underskirt left. The four Phantoms have reappeared, and are hanging around the rafters watching the scene.

Phantoms: Tell us about it, Vince!

Vince (singing): _I was feeling done in,_

_Couldn't win._

_I'd only ever kissed since him._

Phantom 1: You mean they…?

Phantom 2: Uh huh.

Vince (singing): _He said there's no use getting_

_Into heavy petting;_

_It only leads to trouble and_

_Seat wetting._

He breaks into a sly grin and leans closer to Saboo.

Vince (singing): _But now all that I need_

_Is to feel-_

_I've tasted blood and I want more._

Phantoms (singing): _More, more, more!_

Vince tears another piece from his underskirt, leaving no front left on it.

Vince (singing): _I'll put up no resistance._

_I want to stay the distance._

_I've got an itch to scratch-_

_I need assistance!_

He jumps on the altar and throws his arms around Saboo.

Vince (singing): _Toucha toucha toucha touch me!_

_I wanna be dirty!_

_Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,_

_Creature of the night!_

Vince gets up, hooking his fingers under Saboo's skintight tunic and advancing on him raunchily.

Vince (singing): _And if anything grows_

_While you pose,_

He moves his hands up to Saboo's chest, fingering his nipples and rubbing any bare skin he can get his hands on.

Vince (singing): _I'll oil you up and rub you down._

Phantoms (singing): _Down, down, down!_

Vince (singing): _And that's just one small fraction_

_Of the main attraction._

_You need a friendly hand,_

_And I need action!_

Vince continues to grope Saboo, and Saboo clamps his hands around Vince's backside, squeezing eagerly.

Vince (singing): _Toucha toucha toucha touch me!_

_I wanna be dirty!_

_Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,_

_Creature of the night!_

The Phantoms pair off, mockingly groping each other, doing anything to get into each other's t-shirts. They sing a mockery of Vince's earnest attempt at seduction.

Phantom 1 (singing): _Toucha toucha toucha touch me!_

Phantom 2 (singing): _I wanna be dirty!_

Phantom 3 (singing): _Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me!_

Phantom 4 (singing): _Creature of the night!_

Vince and Saboo are now wriggling around on top of each other on the altar, holding, squeezing, groping, rubbing, kissing, spanking, sucking, biting, thrusting.

Vince (singing): _Toucha toucha toucha touch me!_

_Oh, I wanna be dirty!_

_Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,_

_Creature of the night!_

Saboo (singing): _Creature of the night._

Phantom 1 (singing): _Creature of the night._

Phantom 2 (singing): _Creature of the night._

Phantom 3 (singing): _Creature of the night._

Phantom 4 (singing): _Creature of the night._

Vince (singing): _Creature of the night!_

Later on, the lift rises again. Naboo exits first, crying out as Dennis follows, smacking him with a whip. Howard stands behind them, not seeming to react to anything.

Naboo: Ow, Dennis, get off you ballbag!

Dennis whacks him again.

Dennis: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching.

He whips Naboo.

Naboo (wincing): I was only away for a minute… (scornfully) master.

Dennis whips him again.

Dennis: See if you can find him on the monitor.

Dennis sends Naboo off with one final lash. Howard looks faintly shocked. Naboo messes with the screen, and gasps as he sees someone outside.

Naboo: Dennis, have a look at this.

Dennis and Howard both cross to look at the screen. Howard grins.

Howard: Hey, Bryan!

Dennis and Naboo stare at him suspiciously.

Howard: It's Bryan Ferry.

Naboo: You know this person.

Howard: Of course I do. He happens to be a friend of mine. He adopted Vince as a child.

Dennis: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting?

He pokes Howard roughly with the whip.

Dennis: You came here with a purpose.

Howard: I told you; my car broke down. I was telling the truth.

Dennis: I know what you told me, Howard, but this Bryan Ferry; his name is not unknown to me.

Howard: But he was a singer, from Roxy Music. He went solo in the eighties, until he started a dubious business selling young people as manual slave labour and construction supplies.

Dennis: And now he works for your government, doesn't he.

Howard: What?

Dennis shoves Howard with the whip handle with every word.

Dennis: He's attached to the Bureau of Investigation into that which you call the Black Arts! Necromancy, curses, summoning, nigromancy, thought control, reanimation- he would have all of my powers stripped from me! Isn't that right, Howard?

Howard: It might be!

Dennis raises the whip.

Dennis: Is it?

Howard: I don't know!

Naboo: He's got into the building.

Dennis: Shit- he'll probably be in the Zen room.

Bryan Ferry looks around a smoky room- less a Zen room, more of a warehouse. He examines the label on a crate of poppers, seeming to find something incriminating there. Back in his lair, Dennis grins wickedly and picks up some shamanic artefact.

Dennis: Shall we enquire of him in person?

He recites some strange words, and Bryan Ferry is suddenly pulled from the Zen room by an invisible force, moving through the house, up staircases and around an unconcerned-looking Bollo, who is smoking and reading a gorilla-porn mag, and Tony, who is making some attempt to paint Bollo's toenails. Eventually he is pulled straight through the wall of Dennis' lair, coming to a stop at Dennis' feet.

Dennis: Excuse me, I seem to have buggered that up a bit.

Bryan: Dennis, the self-appointed Head Shaman. We meet at last.

Dennis coldly regards him. Howard rushes up to meet him.

Howard: Bryan Ferry!

Bryan: Howard? What are you doing here?

Dennis: Don't play with me, Ferry, you know perfectly well what Howard Moon is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not, that he and his little boyfriend should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Ferry. I know Howard is.

Bryan: I can assure you that Howard's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Joey.

Howard: Joey? He was here-

Dennis: What do you know of Joey Moose, Ferry?

Bryan: I happen to know many things. You see, I took Joey on as a sort of surrogate son after he escaped the zoo he was mutated in, after my last adopted child became an insufferable brat and had to be sold on.

Vince (from under a sheet on the altar): What d'you mean, "insufferable brat"?

Dennis strides over to the altar and pulls off the sheet, revealing Saboo still lying there with his tunic hitched up and Vince, knickers down and one bra strap off his shoulder, lying on top of him.

Bryan: Vince!

Vince: Bryan!

Howard: Vince!

Vince: Howard!

Dennis: Saboo!

Bryan: Vince!

Vince: Bryan!

Howard: Vince!

Vince: Howard!

Dennis: Saboo!

Bryan: Vince!

Vince: Bryan!

Howard: Vince!

Vince: Howard!

Dennis: Saboo!

Saboo: Piss off.

Dennis: Listen- I made you, and I can break you just as easily.

He is interrupted by the bang of a huge gong, held up by Bollo, who is wearing a short sheer dress which leaves nothing to the imagination.

Bollo: Dinner ready.

Dennis (grimacing): Thank you, Bollo.

He glares at Vince.

Dennis: Given the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.

* * *

Fossil sits in his office with a bucket of KFC. 

Fossil (with mouth full): Food has always been pretty important to life's rituals. Throwing bread at geese, that last meal my brother had when they found out what happened to his wife, the licking of the chocolate sauce off you later… yeah, and then they all ate some food in the castle.

* * *

Dennis sits at the head of a table, opposite Bryan Ferry. Howard and Vince sit on one side, Saboo and Tony, who is on top of a large pile of cushions, on the other. Bollo shoves open the doors, and he and Naboo wheel in a dinner cart. Naboo removes the cover from the plate, revealing a huge hunk of some unidentifiable meat. He dumps it on the table before Dennis, who cuts it with his bloody ceremonial knife. Naboo goes around the table filling various vessels with wine, not really caring where he spills it, and Bollo dumps meat on everyone's plate, beginning with Dennis and moving around so that Vince is last. 

Vince: Erm, cheers, I'll just have the vegetarian, thanks.

Howard: Vince, don't be ungrateful.

Vince: It's my one principle, Howard. You're always going on about principles, and now you put down the one principle I've actually got. You're such a hypocrite.

Howard: Well it's a very on-and-off principle, isn't it. You know what's in those sweets?

Vince: No.

Howard leans over and whispers in his ear. Vince's face falls in shock and disgust.

Vince: You're joking?

Howard (smirking): Sorry, little man.

Vince stares down at the meat in front of him.

Vince: I'm not eating that.

Howard: You'll eat it, my darling. I don't like to think what they might do if you don't.

Vince: I don't care what they do. They know nothing about fancy dinner parties. Look, they've got me drinking out of a used jar.

Howard: That doesn't matter. It's the atmosphere that's important.

Vince: What atmosphere? The funeral of someone you didn't even like in the first place?

Howard: Vince, shut up.

He reaches down and smacks Vince's thigh. At that moment, Dennis holds up his glass, which incidentally is the only proper wine glass in the room.

Dennis: A toast; to absent friends.

The others, muttering "to absent friends" raise their mugs, jars etc and drink a toast.

Dennis: Shall we?

Everyone except Vince digs in. Vince sits there, prodding his meat with a fork a little bit and trying not to become too annoyed by Howard's angry poking.

Bryan: We came here to discuss Joey.

Tony (excited): Joey?

Dennis none-too-carefully waves the knife in his face.

Dennis: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice, anyone?

Vince has begun to cotton on to what's going on, and puts his fork down. Howard hesitates, but carries on eating. Tony shares an apprehensive look with Vince across the table, who nods.

Tony: Excuse me.

Tony launches himself from his chair to the dinner cart and rides it silently out of the room. As soon as he is gone from view, there is a mournful cry.

Tony: Nooooooooooooooooooo, this is an outrage!

Bryan: I knew Joey was in with a bad crowd, but this is worse than I thought.

(singing) _From the day he was changed, he was trouble,_

_He was the pain in his father's arse._

_I tried in vain,_

_But he never brought me nothing but shame._

_When he left me it was like a bad stage farce._

_And from the day he was gone,_

_All he wanted_

_Was extraterrestrial porn and a saxophone._

_Shooting up junk,_

_he was a low-down cheap little punk,_

_Taking everyone for a ride._

Bryan/ Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): _When Joey knows he really wants to blow ye_

_You know he was a no good kid,_

_But when he threatens your life with fangs, claws and a knife…_

Dennis (singing): _What a guy._

Vince (singing): _Makes you cry._

Bryan (singing): _And I did._

Outside, Tony is sitting on the cart feeling sorry for himself.

Tony (singing): _Everybody shoved him,_

_I very nearly loved him._

_I said "Oi! Listen to me!_

_Stay sane inside insanity!"_

_But he locked the door and threw away the key._

Bryan (singing): _But he must have been drawn into something,_

_Making him warn me in a note which reads-_

Howard, Vince and Saboo rush over to him to see his note.

Howard/ Vince/ Saboo/ Naboo/ Bollo (singing): _What's it say, what's it say?_

Bryan (singing with an uncanny impersonation of Joey): _I'm out of my head,_

_Oh, hurry, or I may be dead._

_They mustn't carry out their evil deeds._

_AAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!_

Bryan/ Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): _When Joey knows he really wants to blow ye_

_You know he was a no good kid,_

_But when he threatens your life with fangs, claws and a knife…_

Dennis (singing): _What a guy._

Vince (singing): _Makes you cry._

Bryan (singing): _And I did._

Bryan/ Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): _When Joey knows he really wants to blow ye_

_You know he was a no good kid,_

_But when he threatens your life with fangs, claws and a knife…_

Dennis (singing): _What a guy._

Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Saboo (singing): _Whoa-oh-oh…_

Vince (singing): _Makes you cry._

Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Saboo (singing): _Hey hey hey…_

Bryan (singing): _And I did._

Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): _Joey…_

Naboo and Bollo move in closer as Dennis gets up. Bollo is about to say something, but Naboo shushes him and Bollo groans. Calmly, Dennis pulls away the tablecloth, revealing Joey's mutilated corpse. Bryan shrieks. Vince looks at Howard with a slightly ill look on his face.

Vince: Gutted.

Howard reaches out to hold him, but Vince pushes him away and runs for Saboo instead. Saboo holds him smugly.

Dennis: Saboo! How dare you?

He runs up to them and throws Saboo off Vince. With Saboo out of the way, Dennis rounds on Vince and slaps him brutally across the face. Vince runs away and Dennis gives chase, with Howard, Bryan and Saboo following after. Naboo and Bollo hang back, laughing their heads off.

Naboo: Bollo, shut up.

Bollo keeps on laughing. Dennis chases Vince up the stairs, putting his arms around him to trap him between Dennis' body and the banister.

Dennis (singing): _I'll tell you once,_

_But no more,_

_You better learn the score, Vince Noir._

_You're not so sweet, you little whore,_

_You better learn the score, Vince Noir._

Vince punches Dennis in the cock and runs away. Again, Dennis gives chase.

Dennis (singing): _I've laid the seed,_

_It should be all you need._

_You're as sensual_

_As a pencil,_

_Wound up like an E or first string._

_When we made it,_

_Did you hear a bell ring?_

He chases Vince into his lair, via the hole in the wall.

Dennis (singing): _You think you're worth it-_

_Well you're a chore._

_You better learn the score, Vince Noir._

Howard and Bryan, followed by Saboo and then by Naboo and Bollo, run into the lair and rush to Vince's aid. Dennis takes some small linen dolls and binds their feet, leaving Vince, Howard and Bryan unable to move.

Dennis (singing): _When I see you winding looser_

_I'll seduce ya._

Vince: Shit, I can't move my feet!

Howard: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Dennis: You are.

Vince: We're trapped!

Dennis (singing): _It's something you'll get used to._

_The mental mind-fuck will be so nice._

Bryan: By trapping us here, I presume you mean to use never-before-seen powers of psychokinesis to keep us away from anyone who could stand in your way.

Dennis: You'd better believe it, baby.

Vince: You mean he's going to send us to another world?

Dennis returns his attentions to Vince, touching and groping him as Vince protests. Dennis tries to slip down Vince's bra and put his hands inside Vince's knickers, neither of which Vince is happy to let him do.

Dennis: World, schmorld, boygirl, I'm gonna take you to another dimension.

(singing) _You better learn the score, Vince Noir._

_You better learn the score,_

_Get yourself out a little more,_

_You better learn the score-_

* * *

Fossil stares at us from his office, pressing the button on his Dictaphone. 

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): And then he screamed-

* * *

Vince (shrieking): Stop! 

Dennis leers at him.

Dennis (singing): _Don't get hot and flustered._

_Use a bit of mustard._

Howard (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

Howard/ Bryan (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

Howard/ Bryan/ Saboo/ Naboo/ Bollo (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

Dennis releases Howard's doll from its bonds. Able to move again, Howard flies at Dennis, only to be shot in the face with some kind of drug by Naboo. Howard falls to the floor unconscious.

Bryan/ Saboo/ Naboo/ Bollo (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

Dennis releases Bryan, who also flies at Dennis in a rage, and who is also drugged by Naboo.

Saboo/ Naboo/ Bollo (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

Dennis releases Vince, who just tries to run away, but is not quick enough and is caught and drugged by Naboo.

Saboo/ Naboo/ Bollo (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

On Dennis' order, Naboo drugs Saboo. Dennis signals to Naboo to stop singing.

Bollo (singing): _You're a daemon,_

_But you'd better not try to maim him,_

_Head Shaman._

Bollo becomes aware that Naboo and Dennis are staring at him.

Bollo: Oh… sorry.

Dennis: Bollo, relax.

Smiling sweetly, Naboo sprays the drug in Bollo's face. Bollo is completely unaffected. As this has been happening, Tony has made his way, still riding the dinner cart through the hole in the wall.

Tony: Holy shit.

The others turn to look at him.

Tony: I can't any more of this, Dennis, you shitmuncher. First you kick me aside like a malformed football for Joey Moose, then you cut him up and use bits of him in Saboo. You chew people up, and then you spit 'em out. Well I loved you. You hear that, I bleeding loved you, you nonce. All you do is take take take, and I'm sick of it. So now, you've gotta choose. Who's it gonna be- me or Saboo?

Dennis nods to Naboo, who shoots the drug into Tony's face. Tony just stares up at him. Naboo shoots again.

Tony: I'm sorry; what was that?

Naboo shoots for the third time.

Tony: Yeah, maybe I could get used to this. Not bad. Nice feeling eventually. Yeah, yeah, I can dig this. It's groovy. Like a trip, man. Oh, yeah, nice one. Freak out baby, it's making me talk like the seventies. Oh yeah, dig you later.

Naboo shoots more of the drug at Tony, and then some more, just for good measure. Tony eventually shuts up.

Dennis: It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache. And my children turn on me. Saboo's behaving just like Joey Moose did. Do you think I made a mistake splitting the one brain between the two of them?

Bollo (growling, angry): Bollo growing weary of this world. When Naboo get to take me to Xooberon?

Naboo steps up behind Bollo, fondling his fur.

Dennis: Bollo, I m indeed grateful to both you and Naboo. You have both served me well. Loyalties such as yours will not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.

Bollo: Bollo ask for nothing.

Dennis: And you shall receive it in abundance.

He crosses to the lift.

Dennis: Come. We are ready for the floorshow.

The lift descends. Naboo leads Bollo by the hand to the centre of the room. Between the bodies of the unconscious others, the elbow sex, and leave through the hole in the wall.

* * *

Fossil is in his office, looking at pictures of glittering lingerie. He turns to us. 

Fossil: So it seemed that fate had decided that Howard and Vince were to meet Bryan Ferry after all, and that all three of them got to dress up all spangly. Though none of them could ever have foreseen that. But if they could, Vince would have liked it. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, both of them had already made really good bouncy-bouncy with other people, and liked it. That really says something about Dennis. Maybe that you should meet him. Or I should. That'd be fun.

He takes out his Dictaphone and presses play.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the other dimension and the floorshow that had been spoken of? What indeed? From what had gone on before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.

Fossil presses stop.

Fossil: Has anyone else noticed that this thing doesn't actually talk like me?


	5. Keep Me Safe from my Trouble and Pain

Wow, another end. And this one promises the much-revered sight of Vince in full corset. Not that I'm undermining the beauty of any other characters wantonly dressed up in corsets by me, no. They are all visually stunning. Except possible Tony Harrison. But he doesn't have any hardcore slashers. No offence meant if he does (hello!), I just don't go in for betentacled heads.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this muchly, it has been such a pleasure writing it.

* * *

A dark stage. Guitar music suddenly begins, and the empty stage is lit. Tony Harrison emerges from the wings, face painted with blue makeup and with a fishnet gauntlet on each tentacle. He has a wheel attached to his chin and skates very proficiently around the stage, kicking up his tentacles in a way people of his species may or may not consider sexy.

Tony (singing): _It was great when it all began,_

_I was a regular Den-man fan,_

_But it was over when he had the plan_

_To reanimate a sexy dead man._

_Now the only things that keeps me head_

_Is pretending me mutant boyfriend ain't dead._

As Tony dances, several disturbing glimpses of multi-hexagonal textured barbed alien penis can be seen, which Tony seems to be consciously trying to not look aware of.

Tony (singing): _Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from all the trouble and pain._

Saboo joins him on the stage from the opposite side, wearing a black and turquoise corset which leaves his nipples completely exposed, tiny black panties, fishnet stockings and six-inch heels, with a black and turquoise feather boa. His face has been painted in a similar way to Tony's. He dances sexually and gracefully, utterly tantalising.

Saboo (singing): _I've been dead since nineteen-forty-three,_

_But I'm still beautiful to see._

_But there's something you should know about me;_

_I can't get enough nymphomaniacy._

_Now the only thing I've come to trust_

_Is an orgasmic rush of lust._

He puts his boa between his legs and grinds into it.

Saboo (singing): _Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain._

From the same side of the stage as Tony, Howard is pushed on. He is dressed and has his face painted identically to Saboo, but seems much more uncomfortable with this. He dances very awkwardly, having no idea how to move in heels.

Howard (singing): _It's beyond me,_

_Help me Mommy!_

_I'll be good, you'll see,_

_Take this dream away!_

He falls to the floor, one leg under him, the other splayed to the side.

Howard (singing): _What's this? Let's see._

He raises a leg, stroking it nervously, and managing to get it surprisingly straight and high, well over his head so he appears to have folded in half. A shocked but not entirely uncomfortable look appears on his face.

Howard (singing): _I feel sexy._

_What's come over me?_

His body gives a sudden jerk, and his expression becomes elated as he jumps to his feet.

Howard (singing): _Whoa! Here it comes again!_

Vince appears from the same side of the stage as Saboo, entering slowly and seductively. He too is dressed and made up identically to Howard and Saboo, and is absolutely loving it. He sways his hips, strokes his legs and makes his almost uncovered rear very obvious as he dances, making himself as sexy as he possibly can, which is very very sexy indeed, and seems to be in a state of euphoria.

Vince (singing): _I feel released!_

_Bad times deceased!_

_My confidence has increased._

_Reality is here!_

_The game has been disbanded,_

_My mind has been expanded._

_It's a gas that Dennis landed;_

_His lust is so sincere!_

He pushes himself into a very exhibitionist pose and aims a kiss to his non-existent audience. As he finishes his song, showy music reminiscent of the opening credits of films begins to play, and a curtain behind them opens to reveal an enormous sculpture of the word THREE. Standing on top of it is Dennis, wearing a similar outfit to the others, only in gold and red, with peacock feathers attached to a headband round his head. Tony, Saboo, Howard and Vince turn to look up at him. As he sings, he levitates himself down to their level.

Dennis (singing): _Whatever happened to Seka?_

_That stunning beauty without any bush._

_As I stared at her thighs, I couldn't help but sigh,_

_Because I wanted to get just as much._

He reaches the ground and steps in the centre of the stage.

Dennis (singing): _Give yourself over to absolute pleasure,_

_Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh._

_Erotic nightmares beyond any measure_

_And sensual daydreams to treasure forever._

_Can't you just see it?_

_Whoa-oa-oooaaah._

He jumps off the stage, landing in a hidden heated pool, landing easily onto a life-ring.

Dennis (singing):_ Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

Hesitantly, the Phantoms emerge from the shadows and enter the pool with him, joining him in his song and embracing, kissing and touching each other in the pool.

Dennis/ Phantoms (singing): _Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

Tony and Howard, and across the stage Vince and Saboo, turn slowly to the pool and approach it, stepping in and swimming to Dennis in the centre. Dennis slips from his life ring and the scene turns into an orgy, with the five of them and the Phantoms coming together in a mass of bodies, groping, embracing, touching, holding, sucking, biting, kissing.

Dennis/ Tony/ Saboo/ Vince/ Howard/ Phantoms (singing): _Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

_Don't dream it, be it._

Offstage, Bryan wakes up and looks out to the orgy in the pool.

Bryan: Ugh! We've got to get out of this trap

Before this decadence saps our wills.

I've got to be strong

And try to hang on

Or else my mind way well snap

And my life will be lived

He raises a leg to reveal a fishnet stocking, which brings a look of alarm to his face.

Bryan (singing): _For the thrills!_

In the pool, the others reach a point of euphoric climax. Howard has Tony wrapped around his neck and a Phantom groping his chest and Tony's head, while Vince has Dennis kissing one side of his neck and Saboo on the other. Dennis also has one Phantom around the waist, who is kissing another. A fourth is wrapped around Saboo.

Howard (singing): _It's beyond me, help me Mommy._

Vince (singing): _God bless Lilly St. Cyr…_

Offstage, Bryan cannot help stroking his own fishnet-clad leg as though it is the strangest, most beautiful thing in the world. As he does so, Dennis jumps from the pool and dances energetically, a lovebite visible over his collarbone.

Dennis (singing): _My my my, my my my my, my my my my, my my!_

_I am a wild and untamed thing,_

_I'm a bee with a deadly sting!_

_Get a hit and your mind goes ping!_

_Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing!_

_So let the party and the sounds rock on,_

_We're gonna shake it till the life has gone!_

_Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!_

Tony, then Howard, then Saboo, then Vince emerge from the pool behind him, all, even Howard, posing sexily. The Phantoms, striking similar poses, emerge behind them a moment later. They hold each other's shoulders, forming a line, kicking high and erotically as they sing, with the Phantoms also dancing erotically behind.

Dennis/ Tony/ Saboo/ Vince/ Howard/ Phantoms (singing):_ I'm a wild and untamed thing,_

_I'm a bee with a deadly sting!_

_Get a hit and your mind goes ping!_

_Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing!_

_So let the party and the sounds rock on,_

_We're gonna shake it till the life has gone!_

_Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!_

They break apart and dance in sync. Bryan, unable to control himself, emerges from the wings and dances around them, while the Phantoms dance seductively with him, both frightening and arousing him.

Dennis/ Tony/ Saboo/ Vince/ Howard/ Phantoms (singing):_ I'm a wild and untamed thing,_

_I'm a bee with a deadly sting!_

_Get a hit and your mind goes ping!_

_Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing!_

_So let the party and the sounds rock on,_

_We're gonna shake it till the life has gone gone gone!_

_Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!_

Without warning, the doors across the room slam open, and Naboo and Bollo, dressed in the eastern-ish costume of Xooberon, namely a glittery tunic, which Bollo pulls off surprisingly well, but which barely covers Naboo's arse, enter.

Naboo (singing): _Head Shaman,_

_This is the end!_

_Your influence is failing,_

_Your lifestyle's too extreme._

_I am taking over,_

_You now are my prisoner._

_We return to Xooberon._

_Gods, grant power to me!_

Dennis: Wait! I can explain.

Naboo and Bollo share and amused look, and smile evilly at him. Dennis whispers something into Tony's ear and Tony nods. There is an awkward moment of expectant stillness, in which Tony is trying to avoid mentioning the fact he is going to need help.

Tony: Hey, Saboo, pick me up and stick me on that lighting deck, will ya.

Saboo: How do you even use the controls? You don't have opposable thumbs. You don't even have fingers.

Tony: That's not the point. I used to do the lights for the RSC, you know.

Saboo: Did you now.

Tony: I did. Yeah, _'Measure for Measure'_, Judi Dench, 1962. That was me.

Saboo: How does a pink bell-end with tentacles get a job with the Royal Shakespeare Company?

Tony: Never mind how I got it, or what drugs might have been involved. Just put me on the lighting box.

Saboo groans and takes him over to it, and then goes to join Howard, Vince and Bryan, while Dennis takes centre stage in front of an impressive light show. The Phantoms sprawl across the floor behind him, almost worshipping him.

Dennis (singing): _On the day I went away_

Phantoms (singing): _Goodbye…_

Dennis (singing): _"Thank god" was all I could say,_

Phantoms (singing): _Now I…_

Dennis (singing): _I_ _want to get even further away._

Phantoms (singing): _Oh my my…_

Dennis (singing): _Smile, and that will mean I may._

'_Cause I've seen magic light_

_Through the drugs in the night,_

_And then it seems like_

_There's somewhere new._

Phantoms (singing): _There's somewhere new…_

Dennis steps forward, pulling random dramatic poses. Bollo yawns loudly, earning him a malicious look from the Phantoms. Dennis sits on the edge of the stage and the Phantoms crawl up behind him, as though they want to wrap themselves around him, but can't touch him.

Dennis (singing): _Everywhere, it's been the same,_

Phantoms (singing): _Feeling…_

Dennis (singing): _Like I'm outside in the rain,_

Phantoms (singing): _Wheeling…_

Dennis (singing): _Free to try and find a game,_

Phantoms (singing): _Dealing…_

Dennis (singing): _Cards for sorrow, cards for pain._

'_Cause I've seen magic light_

_Through the drugs in the night,_

_And then it seems like_

_There's somewhere new._

Dennis walks through the empty seats before the stage. The Phantoms hang back, watching him.

Dennis/ Phantoms (singing): _There's somewhere new…_

_There's somewhere new…_

Dennis (singing):_ There's somewhere new._

Naboo and Bollo share a look.

Bollo: Bloody sentimental.

They advance on Dennis slowly, simultaneously. Naboo holds out a strange pointed object.

Naboo: Bit presumptuous as well. 'Cause, when I said we were going to Xooberon, I only meant Bollo and me. Sorry if I confused you, Dennis, but you're staying here. In spirit, anyway.

By now Naboo and Bollo have backed Dennis up to the stage. He trips over the step, falling backwards. Naboo raises the object in his hand to him.

Bryan (whispering): My god! That's a shamanic separator!

Naboo: That it is, Ferry. Capable of pulling the soul straight out of the body and throwing it into the noosphere forever.

Howard: You mean you're going to kill him? I mean, what's he done, really, besides shag a few unsuspecting strangers?

Vince looks up at Howard and smiles. Howard looks down to him, and Vince quickly turns his head away.

Bryan: You saw what happened to Joey Moose. The world needs to be protected.

Howard: Oh yeah. Cannibalism is a crime.

Naboo: Exactly. Now, say goodbye to all of this, and hello to oblivion.

Dennis stands slowly, with dignity. Vince shudders, and Howard instinctively puts an arm around him. There is a silent moment of extreme tension.

Phantoms (chanting): A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips,

First one to scream gets zapped in the tits.

Tony: Naboo! You slag, this is a fucking outrage!

Naboo, on a reflex, spins round and shoots him. He falls to the floor, landing upside down with his tentacles curled in like a dead spider. Frank gasps in shock, and staggers back, breathing heavily. He hits the curtains at the back, and in desperation begins to climb them. Naboo aims and shoots, and crying out in pain, Dennis falls dead to the ground. Vince shrieks, and in shock clings to Howard, who squeezes back, terrified. The curtains fall from the ceiling, covering Dennis like a shroud. Saboo screams and rushes to Dennis' corpse. Mad with grief and shock, he grabs him and tries to run with the body. Naboo shoots him, but it has no effect. Naboo shoots again, still to no avail.

Bollo: What going on?

Naboo: It won't work! It wasn't his soul to begin with, so I can't get it out!

Saboo runs, out of his mind, and tries to climb the giant THREE. Naboo shoots him as he climbs, but misses Saboo and hits the sculpture instead. Saboo's handholds crumble away, and he and Dennis' corpse fall to the ground and are crushed. Howard, Vince and Bryan look on, shocked.

Howard: My god…

Vince: You killed them.

Bollo: Why? I thought you liked him a bit. He liked you.

Naboo screams out his pent-up rage and frustration.

Naboo: He didn't like me! He never liked me! You saw the way he treated me! The way he treated both of us! What's a few friendly words to that?

Naboo is almost in tears. Bollo isn't quite sure how to react.

Bryan: You did right.

Naboo and Bollo turn to look at him. They advance, Naboo holding his separator and aiming it at Bryan.

Naboo (trembling): The decision had to be made.

Bryan: You are okay with me.

He tries to extend a hand, but the shell-shocked Naboo offers no response.

Naboo: Bryan Ferry… I'm sorry about your… Joey.

Bryan: Joey, yes. Well, perhaps it was for the best. He was a mutated freak.

Naboo: You should leave now, while you still can. We're going to transport this entire house back to the planet Xooberon. Go. Now.

Bryan, Howard and Vince scurry away, as quickly as their tired bodies allow. Bollo grins and laughs. Soon, Naboo is laughing with him.

Naboo: It's all almost over, Bollo.

Bollo: Wonder if I remembered to lock up the dogs.

Naboo: It doesn't matter. We'll be on Xooberon soon. I'm gonna show you everything. I'll show you the Fountain of Youth, the Desert of Nightmares, the place where the three moons argue with each other about which one's the fullest. And we'll have the whole world doing the Time Warp again.

Laughing, they elbow sex. Outside, Bryan falls, and Vince and Howard drag him from the house. They stagger, fast as they can, as far as they can from it. With a suction that stirs wind a colourful swirling void opens, which compresses the house to a cardboard cut-out and sucks it in. Then, everything is gone except a blowing mass of dust and debris. As the dust begins to settle, Howard is found on his knees in the dirt.

Howard (singing): _I've done a lot, God knows I've tried_

_To find the truth, I've even lied._

_But all I know is down inside_

_I'm bleeding._

He collapses to the floor, and a few metres away from him, Vince crawls through the debris, weak and covered in black dirt.

Vince (singing): _And superheroes come to feast,_

_To taste the flesh not yet deceased._

_And all I know is still the beast_

_Is feeding._

His strength fails him and he almost falls, but he keeps crawling. Howard, lost in the dust, crawls too, and blindly they try their best to find each other, reaching out into the nebula. A few metres from them, Bryan lies still, gazing up at the sky.

* * *

In his office, Bob Fossil is standing next to a lit electric globe. He takes out his Dictaphone.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): And crawling on the planet's face,

Some insects called the human race.

Lost in time and lost in space

And meaning.

Fossil: Think about it.

He leaves, and the room plunges into darkness.

* * *

The Usherette returns, his dress undone but clutched to his body, seeming unexplainably but deeply sad. He draws the curtains on the show.

Usherette (singing): _BBC Three late night feature,_

_Dennis created and killed his creature._

_Darkness has conquered the Mod and the Spanner,_

_The minions gone to a distant planet_

_In the late night repeat on BBC Three._

_I need to see_

_The late night repeat on BBC Three._


End file.
